Are you (micro) preemie Mom enough?

The internet has allowed us a huge opportunity to find support and network with other people who have had similar journeys. When my oldest son was born in July 2001, this was not the case. I didn't know anyone who had a premature baby. I was alone, with my new baby in the hospital and I was scared. I walked into the NICU every day, not knowing what was happening or how to cope with things like...seeing an IV in my sons forehead or hearing alarms and bells dinging when he stopped breathing. I didn't have support or resources and it was a truly terrifying 21 days of not knowing. Please, 21 days you say? That's nothing right? Not a "real" preemie. But in real life, it is. 21 days is a long time to go home without your baby. 21 days of doctor and nurse lingo and terms I didn't quite understand. When I got pregnant again...I said, never again. I can't ever do that again. And fortunately, my daughter was born 2 days before her due date, in a dramatic emergency C-section, but healthy, screaming, and left in my arms 2 days later.
Then I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. It was devastating. And close to my due date, I got a positive pregnancy test. The next 3 months I constantly lived with the worry of another miscarriage. Every little cramp put me into a panic. And at 15 weeks, I started bleeding, just as I had with my last pregnancy. The midwife couldn't find a heartbeat and sent us for an ultrasound to confirm a terminated pregnancy. It was then that my life was thrown upside down when they not only found one heartbeat, but they then labeled "Baby B", assuming I had already known I was having twins. I remember crying because I was happy but also because I had to trade in my brand new Honda for a minivan. haha. 10 weeks later, my twins were born...just shy of 16 weeks early, on the verge of viability. We were given a 25% chance that they would both come home.
This is where the internet really became my friend (and most hated enemy. Don't EVER google "25 week twins" while lying in the hospital, just having delivered 25 week twins). There was a plethora of information, other parents who have gone through similar experiences, even charities that help and support sick children. I was able to blog my daily updates so I could defer the 4,000 people a day asking "how are they?" and now I'm able to look back and remember info.
But, the internet has also become a virtual pissing contest for who had it worse. What makes my 25 weekers experience any more important than my 32 weekers? Oh, right...nothing. If you have had a baby and had to leave the hospital with your child still in the NICU, you, by default, are part of a club that no parent wants to be a part of. Congratulations and I'm sorry. My twins only spent 81 and 87 days in the NICU while other babies born at a similar gestation have spent well into triple digits. Does it make me less of a preemie mom because none of my preemies needed surgery while in the NICU? Nope, and it doesn't make you more of a preemie mom if your child did.
There is no winner in the NICU parents club. Nobody gets an award for having the longest stay, sickest baby, etc. What we as parents need to remember is this...any parent who has had to leave their child behind has felt the same as I did. Fear of the unknown, loneliness, guilt, anger...you name it, I've felt it and I can almost guarantee that every other parent of a preemie has felt those and more. What we need to do is remember that next time someone says "I know how you feel, I had a preemie in the nicu for 2 weeks". Instead of rolling your eyes and thinking, lady, you don't even know how I felt, remember that traumatic first night without your child and know that they have felt the same way. Every path through the NICU is different and there is no right or wrong way to grieve or sort through emotions. But what we can do is step back, have some empathy, and remember that each path is different. Some of us got to roll down a flat paved road, others went off roading through the mountains. And some, have had all sorts of paths travelled and can see it from all perspectives.
We as preemie (and micro preemie) parents needs each others support, not judgement.